I am so drained by how the idea of New Years Resolution has come to have such a big stigma around it, that actually setting a new years resolution for oneself is considered an anti-self-love thing that everyone tries to avoid these days. I mean I get it, I understand how setting unattainable goals and standards for yourself for the new year can be straining on your physical and mental health.
The pressure and humiliation you make yourself go through if you miss a couple days/weeks’ workout, sometimes when your mind goes so foggy and lazy that you can’t or simply do not feel like reading, secretly stressing out that you’re not gonna finish the month’s reading list by the end of the month or eventually the year, and some days you just can’t be bothered to put anything in you bullet journal you so enthusiastically gifted yourself as a Christmas or a New Years gift to yourself, believing that the tick on the clock will make you a perfect well-read intellectual who enjoys working out endlessly, meditating afterwards while craving kale for your weekend dinner.
I know this does not work because I have been there, done exactly that and even went an extra mile from there. Yes, that is possible, at times I wanted to be more than perfect, not just physically but also intellectually, mentally and even spiritually. Some of the items on my new years resolutions list from years ago looked like this: read 53 books because there are 52 weeks in a year duhh, workout daily, meditate every morning, eliminate salt, sugar, oil, grain, dairy, meat from my diet, do physical detox as well as digital, remove attachments from everything and anything – well not literally, but you get the idea. I had fantasised myself as this perfect being in a perfect dress standing perfectly with a champagne flute in my perfect little hands by the time clock ticks 12 in exactly 12 months from the time. You can probably imagine how that ended – not very good indeed. That was me a few years ago, as I can imagine so were or maybe are you, meaning at the present. Setting high expectations rarely lead to satisfaction, and the risk is much greater when it comes to yourself, because satisfaction or disappointment with yourself has a very direct effect on your mental health. And what’s messier is that we are so much more harsh when it comes to ourselves, perhaps the harshest when it comes to self-accountability. We belittle ourselves, depreciate our efforts and values, eventually end up loathing ourselves, feeling unworthy of the tiniest love and care from anyone, including ourselves.
The truth is, perfect does not exist in this society. There is no such thing as a perfect human being that everybody collectively accepts as perfect. Because “perfect” as any other adjective is an extremely subjective word that portrays different meanings to different people. It is a very personal idea that is unique to every single person, just like – tasty, delicious as when I find a loaf of bread the most delicious thing in the world – your idea of deliciousness may differ, maybe you like donuts over bread, or when I say a beautiful scenery while I may imagine a sea, you might be thinking of mountains or even a hiking trail. So aiming for “perfection” is the last thing anyone should be doing to themselves.
Especially, this past year everything was anything but perfect. Assuming most people associate the word with positive meanings, that is. I bet at least ninety percent of the people if not everyone at the end of 2019 thought 2020 was going to be their year, that he/she is going to kill it in 2020, meet their “the one” in 2020 if hasn’t already, to finally get that promotion with a big paycheck, to finally get the As in at school, to finally get out of the comfort zone, to finally go see some of the world, to finally go get it [whatever that may be] when Covid-19 stopped them i.e. us [literally] from going anywhere getting anything. That includes myself too – I was finally going to pursue my passion, in fact, by the end of 2019 I was already enrolled in my dream school and was unbelievably excited for 2020 because it was supposed to be the year that I finally got out of my comfort zone, that I went to my dream school in my dream city. I was finally going to learn my dream language and actually live my dreams out.
As you can imagine my plans could not have gone any more differently. I had to stay, do the same old things I did before, with my dreams and hopes went up in smoke. But ironically, if I had to sum up 2020, I am actually more inclined to use rather positive words in my summary. It is funny because I actually had a good year. A very good. Spending sooo much time in several sets of quarantine followed up by never-ending lockdowns, I was forced to spend alone times, to spend time with myself, as much cliché this might sound, I was forced to listen to myself, not only to my body but also my soul, my mind and my brain more than ever. I had soo much time on hand, I worked out sometimes, and gradually began to enjoy moving my body, it also refreshed my mind. I was quarantined at places with no internet, no tv so I had literally nothing else to do other than reading. Luckily I had my kindle with many books that I kept wanting to read but never got around it, and I loved every moment I spent reading. It took my mind off things, reality, of my and everybody else’s life. Then came summer, and we (Mongolians) were blessed because we had the freedom to travel locally. And, I swear I still think, had I have the chance to travel internationally, I would have never gone on those road trips that I had, discovering the beauty of my own motherland with my own set of eyes, having the times of our lives with my dearest and closest friends. The whole experience was beyond awesome, and thinking I would have missed it all by going abroad for school or anywhere else, heaves my heart a little.
So, plans not always work. Frankly, they rarely do. Life has its own ways, own plans that it likes to surprise us with. But, if I too, had not have my own plans, I would not have appreciated this hectic year as much. On the other hand, if we had not have a pandemic, if things were normal, I would not have something to guide me, something I could stick to and come back to if I were ever lost in life. That is why I am writing a set of New Year’s resolution this year, too, a draft plan for the coming year 2021. My plan may not be as certain and well mapped out as it was last year for instance, no, actually it is far from certain if anything it is vague in traditional sense. And it is different, it is more focused on myself, on my emotions, on my skills, my self development, on my mental and my physical well-being, on making memories and experiencing life, rather than my bikini body, or the luxury bags, or any achievements that I won’t be thinking about on my death bed. Don’t get me wrong, if things happen, they’ll happen and I am more than open to take things as they come. And I certainly hope to travel, both locally and internationally, see a little more of the world, shift my perspective a little further. I will certainly focus on the people I’m surrounding myself with and their well-being – my family, my friends, and those dear to my heart. I would like to give back all the love I’ve felt this past year, and maybe cut a couple strings even, to fully let some ideas and maybe even people – go. So yeah, there it is. 2021, just around the corner waiting to bring on the surprises and maybe even flip our lives, who knows. Now, I feel truly ready for it, so prepared for the new year, and anything it might bring thanks to everything I’ve learnt from 2020, for it has reshaped flexibility for me and taught some lessons that I did not know I needed. So no pressure 2021, I will be hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
As for 2020, a huuuge thanks to you, for all you have and have not been, for all you have and have not given me – for my sake or not. What I know for sure is that you have been a real eye opener, and I shall take the lessons you’ve taught me – with me forever.
You know I was never good at goodbyes, so, yeah cheers, you’ve been real.
Yours truly,
Nandin x
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